It’s widely known that Vancouver, BC was colonized by hippies during the Vietnam war, eager to escape the oppressive stranglehold of “the man”. It’s less known that Vancouver, Washington was similarly colonized, but by stuffy bankers and corporate middle managers eager to escape the oh…progressive lifestyle of Portland. They knew that the only way to be “free” of the tyranny of art and coffee shops and bookstores and restaurants was to load up their convertible wood-paneled PT Cruisers and build a new community 10 minutes North. Buffered by car traffic ...

This country has a lot of weird shit in it. When I was a kid, I remember going into a rest stop in Missouri that had a severed head floating in formaldehyde, just sitting on the counter. Nobody famous. Just some guy. This head was supposed to make me want to buy more Gatorade or something, but they put it next to the picked eggs, which I remember just made me feel conflicted. And I love picked eggs. Now I’ve just read that a pawn shop in Texas has Pancho ...

I’m not one to make excuses, but I haven’t written anything lately because I’ve been in Switzerland. The big one. I was there researching this ride in Oregon, the little one, the one you’re reading about right now. It was a long flight just to check facts that I’ll be fabricating anyway, so now I’m jet lagged and nothing I say is going to make much sense. But what I learned is that there are big differences between big Switzerland and little Switzerland. This is how they compare. First, big Switzerland ...

The name “Ward’s Wild Ride #2″ implies that Ward goes on lots of wild rides. Enough of them that they need to be numbered Dewey Decimal style for organizational purposes. Which is totally true. Every mysterious ride in Portland that involves skinny tires and long gravel sections can be somehow traced back to Ward. She’s the Kevin Bacon of local adventure cycling, never more than six connections from your favorite off road “road” ride. The “wild” part of this route is at the ten mile marker of Larch Mountain. That’s ...

Running from your problems is generally considered a bad thing I think, but after getting pretty much fucked in the face by school this term I decided I seriously needed a mini vacation. The problem is that I recently joined the one-less-car club (not by choice). I have also been a long-term member of the much-less-money club. This makes travel difficult. Somehow these factors led me to decide that I should ride my bike to Olympia, spend the night, and then take the train back the next day. I hastily ...

Let me offer you my account of the descent into madness that will from this point forward be called simply Vernonia. Named after the village at the halfway point of a celebrated 100 mile ride, I knew Vernonia only as a marker on the logging map from the hit Discovery Channel television show “Xtreme Culinary Disasters of Former Logging Communities of the Northwest”. I knew this ride was going to be amazing, but I couldn’t seem to convince anyone else, and no one could muster the patience that six solid ...

In the kitchen area at work they have stash of tea. Usually it’s just the awful Lipton variety. But today they had something different. Something special. It was called New Mother tea. It promotes lactation. I don’t know what “lactation” is, but I assume that it is similar to “endurance” and that it is a byproduct of “electrolytes” and “antioxidants”. I always hear my more athletic friends talking about their lactation threshold and their lactation acids. So I made some. I’m drinking it now. I can’t tell if I’m lactating ...

Okay, so I can’t do this ride in an hour. But I really wanted other people to do it, and come home thinking “Wow, that Editor is fast!” But it isn’t true. I’m not fast. And I can’t do this ride in an hour. This is why in high school I was voted “most likely to lie to make friends.” I was also voted “least attractive” and “most deserving of obvious self esteem issues.” My high school was a cruel place. But this ride is amazing. Every time I ride it, ...

I’ve got nothing to say about North Plains and I blame the winter. Early this season I was really excited to ride. Anywhere. It was so sunny and brisk all the time. But now when I ride, I’m spending all of my time thinking about future rides in the sun. So even when it gets sunny on Winter rides, I don’t notice. Because I’m already upset with my current ride for the Winter-ness that it has the potential to display. The same way a lousy dog owner will sit around ...

I just found out that it is illegal in the state of Oregon to do hilly rides at the beginning of the year. Obviously as a law-abiding cyclist, I was instantly ashamed and appalled at my multiple West Hills/Tabor-related offenses from last year. And while I don’t want to accuse our fine state of unjust legislature, I have to wonder, what flat rides aren’t totally boring? Well, a few days ago I foolishly made early morning riding plans knowing full well that it was miserably cold, ...