I’m not sure how it happened, but I seem to have forgotten that I have a website. I guess I hoped that if I just left it alone long enough, it would start writing itself. It didn’t. I probably would have left it for dead, but Sam made me co-pick the Movie Club movie this week. And only a jerk would help pick a movie and then not write about it. So here I am. Writing. About the 80’s classic schlock horror movie Re-Animator.

The only thing I remember about Re-Animator’s original release was that it recieved an X rating. Or an NC-17. Or something that implied that I would get to see lots of boobies if I watched it. That is how 7-year-old me viewed the movie: boobieful. I’m now a grown man, renting what I expect to be a boobieful movie.

THe movie is loosely based on an HP Lovecraft story. I don’t know anything about HP Lovecraft, except that he’s nerdier than the nerdy stuff I know about. Even larpers laugh at Lovecraft people. Here’s some video of people larping, to give you an idea how truly low Lovecrafters are:

Re-Animator stars a guy who looks like Kyle McLachlan (more Blue Velvet, less Sex in the City) as a lousy doctor looking for a roommate. It also stars a old doctor that looks like Ted Danson and a blond that looks like she’s going to show her boobies before the movie is over.

Anyway, a new creepy doctor shows up with a jar of Prell shampoo and starts talking a bunch of shit about everyone in the movie, but he’s willing to pay rent so the Kyle McLachlan doctor takes him in.

Over time, we learn that the creepy doctor is injecting the Prell into dead people to make them not be dead anymore. Generally, the undead in this movie are just like undead from any other movie except that these undead are naked. Most movie zombies are modest, covering their privates with tattered clothing. But not these zombies. These zombies have got their weiners flapping around all over. You can do that with an X rating. You can do whatever you want with an X rating. It’s like a golden ticket. A golden ticket to the weiner factory.

Anyway, the creepy doctor is making all of the dead people undead. Then a bunch of shit happens, the details of which I’ve already forgotten.

Eventually, we learn that the Ted Danson looking doctor is also creepy. But a different kind of creepy. He tries to steal the original creepy doctor’s magic undead potion, so the original creepy doctor cuts Ted Danson’s head off with a shovel.

I KNOW! A FUCKING SHOVEL!

But then the headless doctor gets some of the green shit in him, comes back to life, and takes off with his head in his hands.

I don’t really remember how it happens, but the girl with the boobies ends up strapped to a table, naked, while Head Danson has his way with her, finishing with an abruptly cut scene in which the severed head… er… gives her… uh… yea… you know.

Then a bunch of naked no longer dead people try to kill the live people, and a bunch of blood gets

splattered on the walls. Then some zombie intestines come to life and kill the original creepy doctor, python style.

If you’re trying to pick movies based on word association, the key words are:

Cunnilingus. Lobotomy. Dead Danson.

Sam’s review!! Emma’s review! I think we need a second movie club that only review sports movies.

Fin.