As you, dear readers, have probably ascertained from an avid readership of sosovelo.com and my “articles” therein, I have back problems. Annoying back problems that moved in last July and refuse to vacate my premises. Back problems that I have tried hard to diagnose through a variety of medical and medical-ish practitioners. And here’s the bullshit they keep coming to me with: “We don’t know why you’re hurt. It will get better, but it won’t happen quickly.”

So I still do my stretching routine, ride my books to school in my bike basket, have gotten reacquainted with old hobbies I’d let fall to the wayside when I was too busy trying to race bikes, etc. And this fall, I accepted that I would not be participating on the phenomenon known as the Cyclocross Season.

At first I mourned this loss greatly. Portland has such a boner for cross races and many in the cycling community can’t imagine missing out on this race season. I envied those who could race cross this year not because they were actually able to do these races, but because they were able to do something they were incredibly excited about. I wanted to look forward to some cool event every week! I wanted to celebrate a completely bizarre pastime with a group of nerdy peers! I needed a new “thing”. And then I discovered going to lectures.

Here is why going to lectures trumps cross races:

They are cheap (the most I have paid so far is $5!) They are low key (no drunken yelling…for the most part). There are NO COW BELLS. They have variety (more than just Rainier has a hill and Barton has gravel). Will Shortz is there (occasionally). And they don’t cause me unbearable back pain

It’s not like I actually have anything against cross races. But I can’t do them and I still want to write about my life on the internet. So here are some stories about the random lectures I have been attending.

Will Shortz
I have never really cared about celebrities. I mean, I have some serious love and respect for Beyonce’ (for example), but I have no desire to spend time with her. She is a stranger. The most talented stranger I can think of, but a stranger nonetheless.

However, I have always harbored some desire to interact face to face with Will Shortz, esteemed editor of the New York Times crossword, puzzle master, and world-renowned enigmatologist.

And lo and behold, Mr. Shortz was just in town as the keynote speaker for PSU’s PSU Week. Although it was sold out, I somehow nabbed a pair of cancellation tickets after batting my eyelashes at the Alumni Foundation Office. And it was worth it. Will Shortz doesn’t lecture; he just plays word games with his audience. And we love it. And we (I) realize that I am in no way the puzzling badass I had once thought I was.

After he spoke, my friend Ellen and I shamelessly got autographs and photos with Will. Okay, I guess I was slightly ashamed to be nestling up a person I have no personal relationship with, as he put his arm around me for a photo, which will just prove that I paid some money to play a more elaborate/more interesting type of wheel of fortune game hosted by a be-mustached lexical genius.

Sarah Vowell
While stressing out about the math test I needed to study for, a friend in my Spanish class gushed that she was blowing off schoolwork to go see Sarah Vowell speak at Cedar Hills Powell’s. I immediately followed suit. Algebra be damned, I drove a borrowed car out to the alredador de Portland known as Beaverton (see, at least I am paying attention in Spanish). My math test stress was suddenly usurped by my oh-my-god-I-am-going-to-something-that-will-be-crowded stress. I arrived early and to my relief discovered that a. Michael Chabon was speaking at the downtown Powell’s and everyone would be going to that, and b. that, this event was in Beaverton. I easily got a seat up front and settled back, ready to laugh both hysterically AND historically.

What I ended up learning though, was that I don’t really care about the minutiae of American history. I laughed more later when, at New Seasons in the Cedar Hills shopping complex, I overheard an elderly woman demanding multiple pizza samples from the deli. She was so bold!

Andrew Weil
Dr. Andrew Weil is a medical doctor and nutritionist who specializes in integrative medicine. He has a hearty beard, a line of food bars, tons of books, and is friends with Oprah’s chef. I got the lecture ticket for free from my school. They would have cost $45.

After we’d all assembled in the Arlene Schnitzer Concert hall, Dr. Weil sauntered on to the stage and dropped this healthcare bomb on us: Eating whole foods and exercising regularly will keep us healthy.

Seriously Dr. Andrew Weil? Really? $45 for that? Hmmm…

He went on to encourage us to reduce stress and to take fish oil supplements. Then he said some fucked up fat-phobic bullshit, then he said it was ethnic minorities who tended to get type 2 diabetes early in life (with no explanation as to why), then he dodged some pointed questions…then I left because I was bored of listening to him.

Now I am sitting at home using blogging as homework avoidance because I don’t have any lectures in sight until December! Until then I’ll be doing my best to train in this, my new sport, by listening to talking whenever I can. I got some base miles in with my This American Life podcasts and have been doing intervals with Jammin’ 1075 morning talk radio*. Hopefully be spring I’ll be front row center, asking questions and taking notes.

*Just kidding. That is my least favorite radio of all time.