I’ve seen the future, and it isn’t that cool. We’re getting dangerously close to 2015 of Back to the Future, and we have almost nothing to show for it. We were supposed to have some Jetson’s shit going, with conveyor belts and video phones and whiny robots that complain about cleaning up. Instead, I’ve got a rear cassette with three extra gears. THREE EXTRA GEARS. My bike was supposed to fly by now, god damn it!

In the Terminator movies, Skynet became self aware in 1997. My Roomba is 10 years more advanced than Skynet, and isn’t self aware enough to indentify that it’s job is to pick up dirt. And Blade Runner in 2019? More like repli-CAN’T.

Between the 40’s and the 70’s we created an atomic bomb, cured polio, taught cats to use the toilet and landed people on the moon. People were on the moon driving moon buggies while my parents were swinging and doing the hustle. Fucking moon buggies*, people!

But what have we come up with in the 30 years since? Banana flavored Quick? Okay, that’s a good answer. The Eggwave™ microwavable omlette cooker? Yea, I’ll give you that one too. The Snuggie™? Fine. I get it. Those are also awesome. I see your point. There havebeen a lot of amazing products in the last 30 years.

But still. Moon buggies, man! That’s just about the best thing that human kind has ever done, and that was 40 years ago. Have you seen the videos? The astronauts drove those things like drunk teenagers in stolen golf carts. Jumping and power sliding. On the moon.

The best thing they’ve done with a bike saddle in my generation ? Cut out a hole so my balls don’t go numb. I expected some kind of mag-lev testical hover technology by now, and instead I got a ball hole. That’s not science, that’s a sex toy.

This future is bullshit. So I’m going to boycott the future until I get a better one. Like the one that Sean COnnery experienced in Zardoz.

I can pass up all of that other stuff. The meals in the form of pills. The robot maid. The video watch. But just give me a bike that shifts on it’s own. And not one of those crappy Autobikes that Chef Tony sells at the County Fair. I want a real bike. With real shifting. Bonus points if if cleans up pet hair.

* Just to clarify, they weren’t fucking moon buggies -- it wasn’t that kind of swinging.