This is a review of gin, written in the style of a drunken middle school book report. Gin is alcohol that tastes like delicious pine trees. There are many types of gin, but only some of them taste delicious. Aristrocrat brand is an example of a gin that does not taste good. It does not taste like a delicious pine tree. It tastes like a rotten pine tree. My favorite gin is 12 Bridges. It’s made in Portland and it has a fancy bottle. The quality of gin is best measured by drinking it. But another indicator of alcohol quality is how fancy the bottle is. If the bottle of alcohol you are looking at has a picture of something on the other side of the bottle, visible through the alcohol, it is probably high quality and expensive. 12 Bridges has a picture of the Hawthorne Bridge on the back side of the bottle, so it’s a good gin. Pancho Villa tequila has a picture of Pancho Villa on a paper label on the front side of the bottle, so it is not good. Also, Pancho Villa tequilla costs $7.

12 Bridges gin tastes like cucumber. I like to drink it over ice and pretend that I’m at a country club. And that I like golf. And that I wear white Sperry top-siders without socks. And that I snap my fingers when I need something, and someone brings me that thing immediately. And that I wear my sunglasses on my head and my sweaters tied around my neck, as sunglasses and sweaters are meant to be worn. This is what cucumber drinks taste like to me.

Gin is best consumed in Summer. Or Winter. Fall and Spring are okay too.

Read about 12 Bridges gin. Here are some pictures of the fancy bottle: