I love my Garmin GPS thingy. I kinda like it because it tells me how far I’ve gone and how fast I’m going and what time it is. But I really like it because it lets me map out my ride, just like that kid in the Family Circus. And unlike the kid in the Family Circus, I can make my route spell out swear words if I plan it well. I know a GPS is a silly bourgeois thing to have, but I don’t care. It is really cheap in comparison to other stupid bike things that people buy (like a powertap or carbon wheels) and it’s extra super cheap in comparison other stupid non-bike things that people buy (like a Piper Malibu single engine plane or diamond encrusted iPhone).

Unlike traditional cycle computers, I can move it from bike to bike using a little bit of technology that the Amish call “hook and eye”, and I can do it as simply as raising a barn. Sometimes I use it on the rollers, just to remind myself that I’m not actually going anywhere (on my bike or in life). And that riding rollers is dumb. One time I brought it with me on a flight, because I wanted to boost my average speed stats. And because I thought it looked cool on a map. On that particular trip, I averaged 500mph but kept my heart rate in the 80s.

That, my friends, is fitness.

Yes, having a GPS unit velcro’d to my handlebars makes me look like an idiot. But just add it to the litany of things that make me look like an idiot (examples: the vacant look on my face when people are talking about “smart things,” my inability to finish grad school, the way I squeal with glee everytime the Road Runner gets away).  Sometimes at races people will make sarcastic remarks about it, implying that I am someone sporting more technology than my miserable results justify. Which is true. So then I have to try and think of something funny to say, but it usually just comes out as “we…I… but… th…. have you…. er….” and then I walk away deflated. Because I’m shy and I deflate easily. And because I don’t really care about all of the speed or heart rate stuff. I just like to look at maps. That’s what nerdy people do. They find joy in the things that other people find stupid. Like maps. Or Rambo movies. Or the Roomba.

Here’s a video of a cat riding a Roomba: